Cancer Etiquette For The Cancer-free
Today, while we all wait for the results of my latest scans, I have another guest post written by my good friend Cindy Holder Poole in August 2020. It still rings true today.
𝗖𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗿 𝗘𝘁𝗶𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲 𝗙𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗖𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗿-𝗳𝗿𝗲𝗲
Things NOT to say to your friend recently diagnosed with cancer:
𝙁𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙠𝙞𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙙 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙧 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 (𝙛𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙠) 𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙘 𝙣𝙤-𝙨𝙪𝙜𝙖𝙧 𝙙𝙞𝙚𝙩. In fact, do not offer any treatment advice. Unless you’ve survived the exact same cancer just don’t.
𝙉𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙪𝙨 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞𝙩’𝙨 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚, 𝙬𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙙𝙞𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙘𝙖𝙧 𝙬𝙧𝙚𝙘𝙠 𝙩𝙤𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙤𝙬. I hear this ALL the time!! This completely dismisses the feelings of the person you’re saying it to. Cancer is scary. Cancer is ugly and messy. Let them grieve the loss of normalcy in their lives. Let them grieve the naivety of their own mortality.
𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩’𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙜𝙣𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙨? (A personal favorite.) Aka, when are you expected to die? I will tell you, “My prognosis is the same as yours - I will live until I die!” But I’m a bit sassy......to most this is a really invasive and personal question that they may have chosen to NOT know.
𝘿𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙥𝙪𝙨𝙝 𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙞𝙩𝙮! This is one I have the most difficult time with when relating to others with cancer. I am a naturally positive person but pushing that onto someone else’s journey can cause emotional pain. Just listen. Even if it’s uncomfortable, just listen.
𝙏𝙝𝙖𝙩’𝙨 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚! I am so guilty of this! Don’t do it......ALL Cancer is bad!
Cancer isn’t as bad as it used to be! Another one I am guilty of but even though modern medicine has made cancer more of a chronic illness than a death sentence it still is tough to deal with! Be careful of invalidating the struggle.
𝙒𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣’𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙮𝙤𝙪’𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙪𝙥 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩. Well, let me make that decision. I still want to participate. Your friend with cancer wants to be included!
𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨! I appreciate the sentiment but I will never beat this. I will have this until I die. It’s a bit deflating to hear these words no matter how well-meant they are. It’s a reminder that I will never be cancer-free, that my life is now one of doctor appointments, blood draws, interventional procedures, symptoms and attempts at symptom control. It’s a reminder that life will never be carefree.
So what can you say or do?
A lot!!!
𝙄 𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙬𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙡𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙝, 𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙣𝙚𝙧, 𝙢𝙤𝙫𝙞𝙚? In a post-Covid world this would be music to my ears!!
𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙖𝙮. Honesty!! How refreshing!! I don’t know what to say, either, at times!! I would love this response!! It opens up a chance for dialogue. By far my favorite response yet, sadly, only one person said this to me.
𝘾𝙖𝙣 𝙄 𝙖𝙘𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙥𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩? Best offer in the world! I haven’t taken anyone up on this, yet. But best offer EVER!!
𝙄’𝙢 𝙨𝙤 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮 𝙮𝙤𝙪’𝙧𝙚 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨. Love this!! This is the perfect response.
I am still me. I’ve been changed by cancer but I still love people, gatherings, cocktail parties - even though I don’t drink. I still love life, probably more profoundly now than at any other point in time. I want to experience everything!
Until next time…
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